Regaining My Spark
Balancing Passion, Purpose and Health
Over the past year or so I’ve had my own ‘four weddings and a funeral’ year and, together with a health challenge, I have learned more about the true meaning of emotional roller coaster, and how to rebalance to maintain holistic wellbeing.
This piece has taken a while to write. I decided I wanted to write this some months ago, started then left it until it felt right (and I wasn’t crying writing it). I remain positive. I’m an optimist because, to paraphrase Winston Churchill, I don’t see the point in being anything else. As an organisation, externally and internally we focus on things that are going well and the positives of work and life, whilst privately supporting each other with the challenges we face. Our equipped2succeed programme focuses on equipping us to develop and maintain our holistic wellbeing. Sometimes we all have to take a step back, reflect and change what we do and how we are to regain our wellbeing balance. The past year has given me another lesson in this.
It has been a year of realisation that I can’t continuously put my purpose before my health and has helped me to redefine myself alongside my purpose: putting greater emphasis on the bits of me that enable me to pursue my dreams and goals rather than being too focused on getting things done. Of course, I’ll always be a doer; it’s part of my genetic make-up and continually reinforced learned behaviours. However, re-evaluating what it’s essential to do and how best I can I contribute, whilst maintaining my health, has been and will continue to be essential learning. When I write that down it sounds a little confused, but the past year has helped me to focus on that and properly think it through. It’s probably best if I chunk it chronologically.
January – May 2022
Full speed ahead with the next stages of development of Second Chance Learning Academy (which I established in 2014) and my equipped2succeed programme (which I’ve been developing and delivering for many years):
- January began by launching new resources; equipped2succeed Toolkits and Booklets for learners, having been developed with many late nights over the previous few months. Well worth it, as they are a wonderful replacement of folders and handouts for learners.
- Delivered the equipped2succeed programme in the community for the final time, at Queen’s Walk Community Centre in Nottingham with my colleague Zonia in the final stages of training to deliver the programme.
- Supported planning and all delivery of two 10 session CPD programmes, with individuals who had trained with me, delivering their first programmes with their colleagues.
- Practically supported colleagues with constantly improving positive, impactful, high-quality delivery in the community.
- Took on board the revised Ofsted framework for adult learning – fitting those boxes around a transformational personal development programme that has structure and rigor but does not fit neatly into boxes. People and how best we develop don’t fit neatly into boxes that focus on knowledge and skills. You can’t teach self-belief, confidence, motivation, positive thinking, aspiration, but you can systematically facilitate the learning of it! However, this learning is completely personalised and differentiated. Individuals respond to personal development from their own diverse backgrounds and life experiences. This included supporting colleagues with Ofsted style observations. You can tell this is something I find challenging – my helicopter vision of seeing whole people, living whole lives, in whole communities and seeing connections and opportunities does not find boxes easy.
- Supported my daughter, Harriet, to lead our community enterprise, Second Chance Learning Academy, into more financial stability for the benefit of our team who have come from being passionate, committed volunteers to earning a living empowering others; and to be able to benefit more people in the communities we serve.
This all lead to high paced running, often fuelled by mere willpower. I thought I was doing everything I could to stay healthy – yoga, diet, early nights but balance wasn’t there. Emotionally and physically drained, there was little energy left for me or my partner and weekends tended to be recovery.
An oasis in the middle of all this was our first wedding of 2022, one of my best and oldest friend’s, Sian marrying Jon in Glasgow with a beautiful ceremony at The House of an Art Lover. It was a beautiful weekend, and I was honoured when Sian asked me to be ‘best woman’ and speak on her behalf. Crafting those words was an oasis for my mind and the whole event, with my partner, children and friends was wonderful and energising to be part of.
June 2022
Live music is back! Outside work (which of course continued), all I remember of June was live music. Ed Sheeran at the Ethiad, The Eagles at Anfield and then Glastonbury – for the first time, with one of my best and oldest friends, Shelagh, my daughter Harriet and son-in-law Henry. Originally planned for Shelagh’s 70th in 2020, Glastonbury 2022 highlighted more return to normality. It was a marvellous month with real emotional highs shared with family and friends but more high paced running and again, often running on willpower. Yoga routine is still there but almost no golf – the sport I’ve pursued in the last few years that really helps my relaxation. Golf for me is the ultimate mindfulness combined with a good walk and competitive sport, which has always been a passion. Over the years my passion for sport has been focused on my children’s sport, athletics, football, netball and always cricket! It is only in recent years that I’ve forced myself to make space to play golf and it is not only fun, but helpful for my wellbeing in so many ways.
Saturday 2nd July 2022
Wake up feeling decidedly unwell and a pain in my left arm rings alarm bells for me.
Walk-in Centre – blood pressure 204/109 – not good.
Arrange with two of my closest friends, Karen and Shelagh, to collect food and cake to take to my daughter’s surprise birthday get together later that day.
Uber to Emergency Department – tests and sitting doing crosswords and 4 hours later my blood pressure has lowered to something less dangerous and the good news is that high blood pressure seems to be the only problem.
I move into ‘sort it’ mode the following week and persuaded my GP that I would endeavour to control it with lifestyle. In summary, I reflected and reviewed around our equipped2succeed being DEAR to yourself:
- Diet – eat and drink things that are meant to help with high blood pressure – minimise salt still further (I had not added salt in cooking or put on food for 30 years since I learned of the link with high blood pressure), started drinking hibiscus tea 2/3 times a day, eating 2 bananas a day, eating berries every day, no alcohol, no caffeine (my espressos went – even decaffeinated), lots of bean stews. I haven’t eaten meat for over 40 years and that cuts out a lot of potentially harmful processed food. I don’t eat too much sugar so didn’t feel I needed to make too dramatic changes to my diet – just lowering blood-pressure specific changes.
- Exercise – maintain my morning yoga practise and I become much more disciplined, increasing number of sessions to 5 mornings a week, diary golf and give it the same priority as work (that’s always a work in progress).
- Attitude to work – prioritise my work diary. Plan to do only essential work in July and reaffirm to take August off. I am determined to get it under control, despite the fact the Dr is clear that family history and genetics are likely to override lifestyle. I had already recognised that my drive was taking its toll and had already talked about taking August off. This just confirmed it.
- Rest and relaxation – rest more and do things that relax me – every day.
The blood pressure monitor becomes my guide to whether I’m getting things right – and I did monitor!
I had long conversations with my daughter, who not only has my best interests at heart from a personal perspective but also runs Second Chance Learning Academy and knows more about health and wellbeing than anyone else I know. She asked what I had against taking medication and the simple fact was that it felt like failure. I know that sounds illogical. However, I have prided myself on keeping myself as healthy as possible with what I eat and drink and being physically active. At the same time, I recognised that my drive and willpower are both a strength in terms of getting things done and a weakness in terms of the physical and mental stress toll.
My father, mother and brother started taking blood pressure medication in their late 40’s and I had done so much to prevent that. I was 65 but was still viewing high blood pressure as a personal failure to take care of myself. As I said, illogical.
However, things go well, monitoring 3 times a day and getting readings to a more acceptable range.
In July, when I was delivering training, not surprisingly, my readings were up but I love what I do. By the end of July I started to ask myself, ‘Do I really want to stop doing this or do I want to maintain the lifestyle changes and get help from medication too?’ I decided to give it August to seriously implement lifestyle changes and then make a decision.
Tuesday 2nd August 2022
8am driving to Brackenfield in Derbyshire, my home village, on my way to take my mum to acupuncture which she loved. My daughter calls and says, ‘Just pull over and call me back.’
I called back, ‘I have found Gran collapsed and an Ambulance and emergency Dr are on their way.’ There then followed a conversation about meeting the ambulance at whichever hospital they took her to. A subsequent call said the Ambulance and Dr were there with Gran and it may be best to come straight to Brackenfield. Calm, both endeavouring to support each other, not saying or asking too much.
The Ambulance and Dr had been there within 15 minutes and mum had been declared dead before the second call.
By the time I arrived my son-in-law was also there, and my son followed soon after. The next step was to let my brother know who lived with Mum in the house he’s always lived in. Graham drives his own lorry and I knew he’d likely be on the road somewhere. Despite my trying to avoid telling him the gravity he knew. Shock and grief ensue.
What helped me was knowing that mum collapsed getting ready to go out to something she loved. She’d been going to see Tony for acupuncture for nearly 20 years and I’d taken her most months since Dad had a stroke in 2015, dying 6 months later. Mum was afraid of hospitals from childhood trauma, added to in her adult life, and did everything to avoid going into hospital. Dying suddenly, in her own home, was a blessing for her. I remember repeating this whenever I told anyone about her death, seeing it from her perspective.
I also jokingly said that she knew I had some time in August to organise things. It was not the plan I had for self-care but being able to focus on making Mum’s funeral exactly what I thought she would have wanted was comforting and calming in a strange sort of way. I also didn’t even try to work. Mum was a Church warden for over 40 years so a packed Church, two retired vicars, with whom she had worked closely, taking the service, her favourite hymns and her Grandson reading the eulogy we’d written did give some comfort.
In the middle of all this I moved in with Nigel. It was to be a gradual move, but life events meant I sort of fell into not going home during August. His calm, unintrusive support helps me and, as two very independent people, we recognise and value each other’s work, passions and priorities and support each other whilst being undemanding of each other. It’s takes ongoing, open conversations to learn to live well together but I have to say it feels good. I had in my ‘Gratitude Intentions’ for many years, ‘I am truly grateful to be in a mutually affirming, loving relationship’, and that intention has now moved to ‘Gratitude Now’. I am glad I didn’t listen to those who said I was too idealistic in what I wanted in a life partner.
… and so to September 2022
Feeling quite numb and without my usual motivation, which was such a rare debilitating feeling for me, I planned work priorities for the last few months of the year, focusing on what I needed to do, whilst sorting things following Mum’s death. I knew I needed to get to December before I would have any space and perspective to re-define my role going forward.
I decided to use my logical head and start taking some medication for blood pressure.
On 16th September we celebrated George, my son’s 30th, where else but with a surprise trip to Lords, the home of cricket, followed by hicce, founded and run by my niece’s wife, the amazing Pip. A perfect day.
Later that month Nigel, his younger daughter, Kate and I flew to America for the second wedding of the year, Nigel’s nephew’s wedding. An amazing 2 weeks in California, started by passing through Compton on the metro from the airport (seeing a little of the reality of what I’ve read, listened to and watched) on the way to Long Beach. The wedding was on Catalina Island just off Los Angeles – and an afternoon of sea kayaking was wonderful and just what I needed. The weekend was followed in quick succession by Yosemite National Park, San Francisco, Monterrey and a visit to Pebble Beach. This was a truly amazing trip, and although I wasn’t my usual enthusiastic self (which some may say is a good thing) the whole trip helped me to regain my spark.
The last few work months of 2022 were focused on training an incredible group of people to deliver the equipped2succeed Programme with their colleagues and in the community. A truly joyous, uplifting experience combining a look to the future by Nicky training to deliver with me. Nicky and I have shared values about learning and education and shared professional experience. I trust her to train people to deliver the programme with authenticity, kindness and going the extra mile for quality. This is so helpful for me to find the best way I can contribute going forward.
December 2022
Our third wedding came in early December and coincided with my 66th birthday weekend. My nephew, Nick and Claudia’s wedding was nearer to home in Leicestershire, and another truly joyous celebration of love, family and friendship. It was lovely to see Nick and Claudia so happy and celebrate with my children, partner, and best friend, Nick’s mum Shelagh.
The festive break gave me space to rest, reflect, regain my motivation and map out a direction that meets fulfils me in all ways.
… and so to 2023
In the early part of 2023, we reframed my role to enable me to contribute to realising my purpose with the same vision and passion, but more clearly defining how best I can contribute rather than retaining my ‘hamster on a wheel rush at things’. It is a steep learning curve to retrain long established behaviours of trying to do too much and wanting the highest quality with everything but I am gradually learning to recalibrate and balance.
In January I also started developing a new evening yoga practise with the wonderful Caroline, https://carolineinspired.co.uk/ , which is now part of my routine.
Our fourth wedding came in February with a wonderful celebration of Zaimal and Umer’s marriage. Zaimal’s father, Imran, and I have been walked round many cricket boundaries together since they moved from Karachi to Nottingham many years ago, as we watched our son’s playing cricket. We have solved many of the world’s political challenges and learned new insights and perspectives from each other. Zaimal’s intellect and passion is focused on women’s rights and empowering women, which has led us to have much in common. The wedding was a marvellous celebration of love, and it was great to meet so many extended family members who had flown in from all over the world.
The first half of 2023 has seen quite a few highlights. The latest group of people to benefit from the equipped2succeed Provider Training deliver their first programmes with their colleagues and the parents they support, with incredible feedback about the benefits for participants. Our wonderful event for International Women’s Day – ‘Celebrating International Women of Nottingham’ with 107 women from 31 different countries was a joy for me both personally and professionally.
So where am I now?
With work
I am still focused on my purpose, empowering, enabling and equipping people to thrive but rather than delivering directly in the community I am supporting others to do this. And rather than delivering all the CPD, I am supporting others to do some of this.
I am supporting strategic development of Second Chance Learning Academy towards our vision and not getting involved (or some would say interfering) in the day-to-day operational details. Operational detail is essential for things to get done but it’s this that drains me most and adds to my stress levels.
I have even more focus on quality and supporting C.A.N.I. (Constant And Never-ending Improvement), with CPD Accreditation of some of our training etc. I am also starting to spend more time writing, which I have wanted and intended for a few years, and am now starting to make that a reality.
With me
With regard to high blood pressure, with the third try we found the correct medication but when the Dr suggested I may need another one too, I added a supplement instead, and together with work, diet and exercise changes my blood pressure has been consistently in the normal range for some months. So much so, that my review period was moved from monthly at the start of the year to 6 monthly by April.
I am still focused on my personal, social, learning, health and economic wellbeing but much more focused on what I really want to do. That’s how best I can contribute, as well as keep myself well and enjoy life. A regular question for myself is, ‘What do I really want to do?’ and family, friends, colleagues do this too, saying ‘What do you really want to do?’.
I am creating more energy and time for personal relationships, health, travel and sport. I am playing golf more regularly which I really enjoy, the feeling during and after a round and the competition. I set a goal to get my handicap below 30 at the start of the year and it’s down to 28 so far. I am happy with this considering I don’t play quite as much as is ideal to build and maintain constancy, (and I only played my first competition in 2021 at the age of 64). I have even started booking time out of my diary in the week to play some competitions.
Planning for the future – a few things
Having thought about it long and hard I have decided to sell my house and buy a house in Abruzzo, Italy, as a haven for relaxation for myself, family and friends, a writers retreat for me and help with my pension moving forward. It has been a dream for many years and now is the time to make that a reality. In implementing that goal I have been tidying and sorting, getting the house ready to sell (with lots of help – thank you all), been to a workshop on buying in Italy, read lots, started looking at property and have started learning Italian.
I am also planning to train to be a yoga teacher in India next year. I really want to visit India. This will enable me to immerse myself in that culture for a month, (on my own, yet in a safe environment), take my yoga practice to another level and finally learn to meditate, properly.
In this emotional roller-coaster I have been so very grateful for the love, care and support of family, especially my children, Harriet and George, my partner Nigel, and close friends who have been there for me in a real way. Most of all I have learned – unlearned – relearned how I need to change and what I need to do to balance my zest for work and life whilst taking better care of myself. For example, I have worked hard on retraining my thinking to avoid the pressure thinking when I’m doing something, of thinking I should be doing something else. Focus and attention on what I’m doing and enjoying what I’m doing – one thing at a time. I now feel much more on an even keel, able to pursue my passions and my purpose in the best possible ways, using my experience, passion and skills where they are most useful and enjoy life to the full.
The Top 10
During 2022/23 a number of things have been reinforced for me in the importance of considering our wellbeing as whole people, living whole lives.
Our personal, learning, social, health and economic wellbeing are inextricably linked. Neglecting one negatively affects the others. Working on one positively affects the others. Balance comes from moving forward on them all at the pace that’s right for us at that time.
1. Taking responsibility for my health, whilst being mindful of medical advice has served me well. Listening to and questioning doctors, whilst learning and implementing changes myself to minimise medication is serving me well.
2. Pursuing my purpose – contributing where I can best help
Not feeling the need to contribute to everything, or even know about everything. Working together to find where I can be of most help and focusing on what I can do to achieve our organisational goals and support our team to achieve their individual goals.
3. Ask these questions and make an informed judgement balancing the answers at any given time:
‘What do I really want to do?’
‘What’s best for my health?’
NB - choosing fun over salad and an early night is sometimes important
4. CHOOSE TO … do everything I do
There are always things that are essentials but doing them with joy and consistently ‘choosing to’ helps to reduce stress, rather than using pressure language like, ‘need to’, ‘got to’, ‘have to’. I have become much better at applying this more consistently.
5. Yoga Practice
4 or 5 mornings a week with evening practise 3 evenings really helps with all aspects of health:
Physically – strength, suppleness and agility, as has been proven again recently when spending a few days doing the sort of manual work that I don’t do regularly with no after affects at all.
Mentally – aligning thinking and focus and having a more measured, less frenetic approach.
6. Empathy – being more tolerant with myself and others when it comes to resilience
Reflecting on new challenges enables us to be more empathetic. A common phrase of my mother’s was, ‘not giving in to your feelings’, a stoic resilience of that generation that sometimes served them well and sometimes didn’t. There’s always a balance when building and maintaining our resilience but I’ve certainly refined my thinking on what it’s OK to ‘give in to’ and become more tolerant with myself and others.
7. Good quality rest and relaxation – finding ways to achieve this is a vital part of balance and managing health.
Not just knowing it but properly practising it is vital. As well as yoga, crossword puzzles help me relax in the middle of or after a busy day (not anything as taxing as cryptic which seen to be beyond me at the moment). I have generally slept well and it’s only in the past few years that I haven’t – possibly one of my side effects of high blood pressure. ‘Sleepy tea’ before bed etc. has helped. However, the best thing I’ve found to help me with this, getting to sleep and going back to sleep if I wake in the night, are the Headspace App sleep casts. I’ve found them invaluable.
8. Limit device dominance
Getting a separate personal phone after having one phone for work and personal for over 20 years has been a challenge to adapt to but so beneficial. It’s been great to reinforce the discipline of leaving work at work in the evenings, at weekends and during holidays.
Sleep mode on both phones from 10pm – 6am helps rest.
Avoiding looking at my phone at all whilst in conversation with people to reinforce being there for others and my benefit.
9. Accept Help
It’s sometimes hard to accept help as you don’t want to ‘put on others’ as well as there being a bit of the ‘superwoman syndrome’ in many of us. Why battle with something you find challenging and time consuming, when someone else can do it quickly and easily? (at work or at home). Rather than sorting things or seeing a friend – why not combine it? Generally, we like to help each other and as long as help doesn’t turn into an unhealthy neediness, our colleagues and friends are happy to help.
10. Have fun!
Fun and purpose and health go together with that all important balance.
NB
The photos that I’ve used to highlight moments of life over the past year literally show highlights. They also highlight the danger of making assumptions about people’s lives from a few images.